The Mercy Slide

My thoughts are incomplete.  They are a bit rambly.  They are definitely imperfect.  But writing helps, and so instead of avoiding it because I can't get it perfect, I'm just gonna let it fly and see what happens.

Lately I find myself going between extreme joy and clarity one moment to utter confusion and doubt the next.

Life is just like that sometimes, isn't it? Or maybe it's more accurate to say - that's just life.

Sometimes all you can do is throw yourself at the feet of Jesus, ya know?  And as oddly violent as that imagery sounds throwing myself down always is the right answer, even though it looks different every time.

For now,  I cannot spend enough time in prayer.  There aren't enough bible studies, devotionals and verses-of-the-day to quench my thirst. And it's not because I feel like I am praying to no one and finding nothing.  Quite the opposite.  I am finding so much life in those words, in His presence. Gods word is for me.  For today. What an awesome thing to believe that to my very center.

It's sort of freeing to embrace that you're imperfect, but still capable of change and becoming a better version of you. I'm learning to be okay with that tension.  Extremes are easy.  Living in tension is more difficult, but more rewarding.

It's comforting to find that when you go running to God  he doesn't always give you what you want, but always gives you exactly what you need. So sometimes the emotions are still all over the place, but there is sweet peace and mercy from God.  The calm inside while the storm merrily rages on.

And like a child whose been assured once again that Mom and Dad will be waiting at the bottom of the slide, I run off and begin to climb.  God is gracious enough to allow us to feel the fear that must be conquered in order to climb. Maybe the lesson is to not begrudge the climb? We often ask for the climb to be taken away, as though we would be better off if we were just plunked from slide-top to slide-top. But I wonder - if those dream seeds God has knit into our being take time and sometimes a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to become reality.  If there is no struggle, no risk, if we don't have to conquer anything to get to the top of that slide we're just victims of gravity...maybe?  Can we understand the beauty of mercy and grace if we have no need of it?

This is what it feels like when you discover your calling, I suppose. When you screw up the courage to believe God has created you for a purpose, not just to breath air and take up space, but to do something - to live a life that matters.  Something changes when you speak outloud that tiny dream you have been to afraid to give oxygen to.  But let it out.  Courage, Faith and Obedience are all muscles we must exercise! Just do it! and climb one more step, even if it scares you!

Believe in your heart that God has created you to do something that will be big enough in God's kingdom that the only way it would be possible for it to happen would be that God would do it through you...in spite of you...because of you.  All three, maybe?

But even more amazing than that is to know that whatever he has called you to comes with the promise of his presence, The gifts of his love, grace and mercy to those who are faithful.  Forgiveness for when we screw up and are faithless.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

²³ 

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

So here I am.  Climbing a new ladder.  I can't even see the top yet, but I will do my best to climb well and to learn all that I have to so that when I do arrive at the summit of this challenge, I will be thankful for the lessons I have learned as I climbed each rung.  I will stand at the top and my heart will know that God made me for this moment.  Then I'll throw my hands in air and feel the sweet thrill of racing to the bottom, my heart will hear him say "Well done, you did it!" and then...

 I'll climb again.

In the Middle

Most morning I meet a friend to walk the Discovery Trail just as the sun is rising, the rain is hopefully not falling, and the day is new.

Usually, within five minutes after the big hill is over and we have breath and words to spare, one of us will start talking.  Usually, we go back and forth sharing problems, and fixing them as women are known to do.  I think it's scriptural:

 where two or more women are gathered together 

for more than three minutes 

all of life's problems will be solved, 

if only everyone else would listen."  

I think that's what it says anyway. Except probably not in the Bible. 

Either way we usually end up finding a bright spot, something to hold on to and encourage us.  But today was weird.  We left with more problems than we started with. And truly there's nothing wrong with either of us, except that right now we are both in the middle of different things.  

That rotten, blessed middle where you aren't sure if you are actually moving forward or sliding back to where your frustration started in the first place.

And I thought about that as I drove home when we were done.  In the middle of difficulty it's easy to see nothing but problems.  The tunnel we find ourselves in is at it's darkest, and your mind starts to play tricks on you.  You begin to wonder if that glimmer of light you thought you saw was a ray of hope, or if it is in fact a train hurtling towards you ready to bring about your tragic demise. We both left discouraged.

Discouraged.

I am discouraged.  And I hate admitting that. Lest you get worried, I'm not falling into utter despair - just frustrated and unsure of what to do in one area of my life - all is not lost :)  But as to that sorry I'm keeping it vague but it's just that way it is topic, I am totally in that middle place. I wanted to throw in the towel.  

But then, a spark. 

I found hope this morning in the middle of a word.  In the middle of discouragement is Courage. 

In the middle of the middle of my discouragement I choose to do the courageous thing - to not lose hope.

It doesn't make the fear and frustration go away, but it helps me take one more step, pray one more prayer

Really it's those unanswered prayers that grow our faith, isn't it?  If we only ever had to pray for something once and our answer for everything came clear as day, it wouldn't require faith.  It requires faith to ask again. 

Praying lead me to thankfulness.  Thankfulness is like killex on the weeds of discouragement.

Thank you God that you are growing my faith. It takes courage to get your praise on when what you want to do is give in to the hopelessness. Thank you God that you are teaching me to be an extravagant worshiper through unanswered prayers.  I will worship because God is good, even in the middle of the middle.

And maybe in the middle of the middle that is enough.  I will do what feels courageous today and not lose hope. 

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; 

will never leave you nor forsake you. 

Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

What do you do to grow courage in your life?

Snail Bait

If there's one regret that I have in blogging so far - aside from the tired I don't do this enough excuse, it's that I've never really talked much about homeschooling.  I kind of steered clear of it because I was concerned I would offend people if I wrote about it because they (whoever they are) might think that because I love it and it works for our family that I deep down feel like everyone else doing every other kind of school doesn't really love their kids, God, or both.  That's just silly.

The thing is: I'm forgetful and sometimes funny things happen that I might want to remember.   So maybe I'll write a bit more about some of this part of our life. Or maybe I'll forget to write about it.  That's possible too.

There is no denying that being pregnant five times did some permanent damage to my memory.  At least, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

What were we talking about?

**********************************************************

I realized I had reached a new level in homeschooling nirvana when it became quite clear that we hit that strange animals living in your home that you did science experiments on/with stage.

We, as in - someone who wasn't me, but another Mom who is an overachiever when it comes to science did a bang-up job on the biomes/ecosystems science unit  for our co-op in January.  This included a lovely notebook they created full of information, definitions, experiments and also fantastic hands-on activity where the kids created biomes for aquatic snails in 2L pop bottles.  They were lovely little habitats and they included live plants and sticks and algae and some super cute snails.  Two in each.  Six biomes all..

The kids achieved stasis in the biomes and then they altered the environments to observe and demonstrate how one small change in a habitat might affect the biotic and abiotic elements in it.  I'm pretty sure this is homeschool talk for we tried to see if the snails would die or not.  I didn't conduct the experiment - it was my turn to gallivant that co-op module, so I can't say for sure.  But I'm pretty sure that's what that fancy science talk means.  I'm just a musician, man.

At any rate, many of the snails survived.  My 13 year old decided it was her destiny to become a den mother to the snails.  Over the six weeks they observed/ played mad scientist with them she got attached.  She and her lab partner NAMED them.  And now, 3 months later Ferguson and Bubbles are still alive.  They WILL NOT DIE.

They got a better home - an enormous vase. This is mostly because decorating is something I'm really good at. (Snort!) It takes up an unreasonable amount of space by the sink - cause they need sunlight y'all, and where else can you put a 2 gallon vase where you aren't worried about water damage or 4 year old inflicted snail damage? It's a mystery to me why more people don't want to homeschool. Snail home tutorials coming to a pinterest page near you!

 Ferguson keeps playing dead, but it turns out he's just extremely lethargic. Bubbles keeps climbing to the top and threatening to leave the lovely home I have created for him/her/it. Good times.

Just when you think it couldn't get sillier, said overachieving friend who practically encouraged this irrational snail love in my daughter and quite literally forced me to take them home at the end of January came over last week and told me my kitchen stank...stinked...stunk.  It turns out this is the litmus test of your friendship.  If you are truly good, lifelong, soulmate friends, you will be told in no uncertain terms if you or your kitchen stinks.  And they will start sniffing your entire premises and perhaps even your person trying to find the source of the stink.  If you're friends, this makes you laugh hysterically.

Confession: I had been looking for the source of stink previously.  I even showered thrice that week, just in case it was me.

Update: I have started changing the snail water. My kitchen smells better.

Have a died and gone to not-heaven?

We have pet snails, people.  This is a problem.

Mostly because it poses that larger question that looms in the heart of every woman who homeschools.

If the snails won't die, and I can't bring myself to do them in -

Does this mean I have to buy a denim jumper?

What's crazy things has having kids made you do? Or is it just me?

The Easter that Was

This past weekend I had the privilege of planning and leading the worship/music at our church.  There were alot of exciting events that happened in the last week of planning of such. Mostly it was a lot of re-learning life lesson 147: no matter how well you plan things you can't control everything.

The good thing about that was that it was very easy to attribute any and all good things that came out of that weekend to the grace and mercy of God.  And I'm proud to say that the team wasn't just good - they were amazing.  It's quite something to see that level of service and dedication rise to the surface when you have to humbly ask your team to embrace plan...g, or h - I can't even remember what plan we were on by the time practice rolled around on Thursday.  So it was good.

Weeks ago, when I started planning and praying about the set I was looking over things and asking God to help me put together something that would lead to true worship and encourage people wherever they were at in their lives that Easter morning.   I have yet to receive a direct message from the Lord when I'm planning but I did get a real peace over a theme that emerged:

It's Friday night for a lot of people - but take heart, Sunday is coming!

That is good news, isn't it?

I tried something different this week and actually wrote out and rehearsed my "call to worship". While I often have an idea of what I want to say or a scripture I want to share I haven't planned it like that before. I was worried that it would seem fake or lacking authenticity, as though awkward pauses, saying "um, like...you know?" and wandering down rabbit trails that don't matter is helpful to leading well.

It actually helped me be more clear and I think I communicated better with our congregation, and that's always a good thing. Turns out those worship leaders who recommend the practice know what they're talking about.  There's a difference between winging it and letting the Holy Spirit lead :)

Here is the call to worship I shared with our congregation at the beginning of the service and the songs that we sang together. And I might have added a few more Amen?'s and left the page a few times, cause I just can't help myself, but this is basically it  It still encourages me today when I read it - truth is like that I think.  It always leads to hope when spoken in love.

He is Risen!

And that is why we are celebrating this morning.  Resurrection Sunday is what makes Good Friday good.  We serve a risen Savior.  And it’s right to remind one another of that because even today, many of us know people, or perhaps we are personally in the middle of  Friday night – life has just not turned out as planned and it’s hard.

We come together today to share our burdens with one another and remind each other of the Hope we have in Jesus because of this truth:  WE know the ending – because HE is Risen.

On the cross when He said “It is Finished” Jesus put everything that would try and exalt itself above God on notice.  Sin, Death and Brokenness do not get the last word.  

It. Is. Finished.  

Lets encourage one another as we sing and rejoice together through our worship service this Resurrection Sunday.

Let’s pray together:

God we thank you for the sacrifice of your son and for the eternal freedom it bought for us.  I pray our hearts will sense that victory and know that even in our darkest moments, you are with us, you are holding us up and that you have the last word.  You are worthy of all praise.  Thank you Jesus that because of your love you willingly paid for our sin with your very life.  We give you all that we are in return.  Thank you Jesus.  Amen.

He is Risen!

If you happen to listen to all of these songs - imagine a really great acoustic version of each one - that's what we pulled off this weekend :) We rocked the djembe and acoustic guitar like nobody's business, because that's what you do with plan j..k...lmnop :)

Opening:
Joyful/ The One Who Saves by Brenton Brown

Call to Worship

Main:
Up From the Grave He Arose by Robert Lowry
Alive in Us by Reuben Morgan & Jason Ingram
Jesus Our Redeemer by Chad Langerud (our worship pastor!, such a great guy and an even greater song)
Hosanna by Brooke Fraser
Cornerstone by Edward Mote, Eric Liljero, Jonas Myrin, & Reuben Morgan

Special Music:
Victor's Crown.  This song took my breath away the moment I heard it and it took an incredible amount of practice and listening to be able to get through it - such a powerful song!

Closing:
How Deep the Father's Love for Us by Stuart Townsend

And that was Easter 2013.  God was there, like he always is. More than ever it was apparent that in our weakness He is strong.

Thanks to my friends who prayed like never before when everything seemed to be falling apart!  Thanks to God for choosing to take away the brutal cold that hit me on Friday - everyone else in the house had had it, so I know how it was "supposed" to go, but thanks to my lovely, faithful prayer warriors and God's grace I woke up on Saturday absolutely healed so that I could pour everything I had into serving at church on Sunday.

If anyone from our team last weekend or the worship choir happens to read this.  Thank you!  You were amazing, I was absolutely blessed by your sacrifice, service and talent this weekend.  It is such an amazing privilege to serve God alongside you!

It was a great Easter weekend! How was yours?

What's in a Name

Totally random.

I just sent off a recipe to a friend, and I'm never sure what to call it.

I have the fancy title of Indian-ish Chopped Salad.  And it never sounds right.

Indian Chopped Salad sounds like its been chopped by people from India

Chopped Indian Salad, well, that just sounds terrible.

Chopped Salad Indian Style...not right.

What's a girl to do?

Here's the recipe.  It is fabulous and perfect with the red lentil curry, tandoori chicken and roti!

Sorry there are no pictures, I just post as the spirit moves!

This recipe would make enough to feed 12 as a side – because it’s a chopped salad it doesn’t look as big, but it’s compact.  I usually make a half recipe for our family.

Dressing:

½ c lemon juice (or 1-2 fresh lemons, squeezed)

¼ c white sugar

¼ c oil

1 tsp salt

½ tsp cumin

1 T dried cilantro, or ¼ cup fresh, chopped fine.

1 T chili powder

Mix, shake, chill

Salad:

1 head romaine

1 cucumber, seeded - or should this be un-seeded, de-seeded? Inquiring minds want to know!  Or was it enquiring?  Make it stop!!!

1 large sweet red pepper, seeded

2 green onion

1 mango, de-un-post-pitted and all that

Take all the ingredients and chop them all very finely.  You want all the pieces in the salad to be roughly the same size, including the lettuce – that’s what makes it fantastic.  Put dressing on it just before serving.

When Testosterone Reigns Supreme

We have a very boy-heavy household.  Which is exactly and extremely the opposite of how I grew up.  Not that I was ever a girly-girl, but it was just different.  So every once in a while I have a "I am in uncharted territory" moments where I can't help but smile and shake my head.

Take for example last week when I came across a clipped news article one of my boys brought home the other day. 

Mom, am I really doing a blog post about farts?  I'm sorry Mom.  I'm sure you raised me better. 

Maybe I should just blame homeschooling.  Except I know plenty of homeschoolers who wouldn't find farts nearly so interesting - at least not interesting enough to clip and save an article about said topic. Remember:  homeschooling doesn't make kids weird.  Weird parents make kids weird. 

So here I am writing about farts and feeling fairly confident that the weird ship has already sailed.  Dang. 

Part of the problem is that my finely tuned sense of humour that didn't make it much past "grade four boy" level.  So maybe God knew what he was doing when he blessed with only one girl and then four wonderful boys.

I have considered embracing the "if you can't beat them join them" mentality, but I'm not sure it would up my coolness factor, and we all know that good parenting is a result of your kids knowing you are cool. 

Deep thoughts to ponder. Or as Keanu Reeves would say:  "Whoa."

May your Friday be fantastic and smell like...cupcakes.

The Deathly Dearth

So - another month between posts.

This dearth of posting might lead one to believe that I have perhaps a) run out of things to say or b) that I don't think about this blog much anymore. or perhaps c) I am suffering from a terrible case of writer's block

My response to this would be a) Ha!   b) Nope.  Think about blogging every. single. day. If there was a way to access and complete all of the partial blogs I write in my head each day - I'd be off the charts  c) I think I have the opposite problem of writers block.  I think of too many things to write, and then I don't know where to start. Cooking?  Homeschooling?  Worship?  Parenting?  Life? Marriage?  I am suffering from a lack of focus.

Oh look. A Squirrel!

I guess what I'm trying to say without saying it is this:  I want to write more, but I'm a bit nervous about doing so.

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi.  You're my only hope.

The End.