Grow

I am told that when one doesn't know what to write, one should just write anyway.  The one that I speak of today, this week, these past few weeks, would be me. So let's see where this goes.

It's not that I don't have things to say.  Goodness knows that is never a problem for me .  Although I did prove a point once on a youth trip that I didn't have to talk, and I was silent for half the bus trip home from Saskatchewan to BC.  I am capable, I just process life better when I live out loud.  For the record, when I am home alone I haven't taken to talking to myself. At least not yet.

At the beginning of the year, I asked God what the theme for the coming year was going to be.  I know some people do New Year's Resolutions, but I have to admit I am  totally Resoultion-Averse.  There are lots of reasons, chief among them the fact that I don't like doing things that anyone says I should do for no other reason than that they should just be done. 

So being the stinker that I am, on January 2nd, I thought I would ask a safe question of God, which was admittedly my first mistake.  I asked Him what the overarching theme for the year would be, in part because I love getting a big picture and I hate to get bogged down by details.  I figured if God gave me a word, I could probably find an easy way to say that I had been successful come the end of the year.  I was hoping it would be a nice feel-good word like "love" or maybe if I was really lucky he'd say "eat".  Instead, clear as anything He said "grow".

Grow.

At first, I thought that would be easy.

There were lots of things that I could grow that wouldn't be hard.  Like my waistline.  Or my messes.  .  Maybe I could even grow my bank account - all thoughts I had before taking a holiday and paying taxes.

Instead, this year has been looking a lot like Grow Up.  Grow Stronger.  Grow Braver.  Grow Deeper.  Grow in Love.  Grow in Faith.  Grow Relationships. Grow things that matter.

And sometimes I feel like I am being thrown in the deep end with all this attempted growing.  Growing is causing me to face a lot fears I didn't know I had.  Or maybe I knew they were there, but I thought they were all under control. Or that ignoring them was a reasonable life plan.  I don't know.  It turns out there's a part of me that only wants to grow if I can be guaranteed that I won't fail.  And that is a lie.  I will fail, especially if I start feeding those passions that have been growing inside my heart for what feels like a lifetime.  And I have to wrap my head around that failing is just another opportunity to learn a lot of other good things.  Like humility, asking for help, asking for forgiveness.  It's not bad to learn how to do any of those things well, right?  

So I am back at the beginning, staring at the new four letter word in my life, wondering how I am going to make it all work.

Grow.

If I write things that matter, somebody out there is going to disagree with me.  If I speak things that make a difference, somebody is going to wish I had kept my mouth shut.  If I lead worship and sing, someone is going to wish I had chosen different songs, sang a different key, or likely shut up altogether.  

I can't be safe AND grow at the same time.

I know I should probably just say Rats, or Shoot.  But what I really want to say is Damn.

Damn my stupid fears. 

But don't worry,  that's just what I want to say.  It's not like I'm really going to say it or anything. 

And I know that a little bit of fear is a good thing.  It will give me pause to make sure that when I sing, or write or speak, it is done in the spirit of truth and love. My intent in growing is not to start going off half-cocked.  Or at least, not any more than I usually do.

I've also realized that my fear of doing what is always safe and makes everyone else happy, or at least silent will probably lead me to doing a whole lot of nothing.  I don't want that.

God is with me.  I have nothing to fear.

That gives me hope. It's time to get growing.

"A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what ships were built for."

John A. Shedd