On Horses and Hospitals

I've been a little absent. Partly because it's been warm and sunny for days on end - which around here, we count days like that, well, by days - not months, or even seasons, so it doesn't leave a lot of time for blogging.

And then there's this little thing going on in our lives that's been messing with my emotional well-being.  Which is a nice way of saying, I feel loopy. Or I did feel loopy.  At the very least my writing is very disjointed and loopy.  But I'm okay with that now. I want to preserve the memory more than I care about my sentence structure right now. :) 

Tyson is having surgery in a few days  tomorrow, his gall bladder is going to be removed from his sweet little body because it's causing trouble.  Actually, it's his blood condition that's caused the trouble.  It's never really bothered me that he has a chronic condition/disease (spherocytosis, for the medically interested) .  It doesn't affect our lives too much except for regular check-ups at the hospital and the occasional trip to the lab for extra blood-work when he gets really sick.  Except for now, when it is starting to affect our lives. And I wish Tyson didn't have to go through all of this.  But he does.

And he's being such a trooper.  He is so trusting.  And so good at finding the silver lining in everything.  Tonight when I told him he wouldn't be able to eat till after his surgery tomorrow he was a little sad, but within a few seconds he and Keaton were in fits of laughter imagining all the barfing he would do if he did eat.  Keaton would ask Tyson question after question and Tyson's only hysterical answer was "Baaarf!"  followed by uncontrollable giggling.  This went on for a good five minutes - and they all went to bed smiling.

Tyson seems to be able to put it out of his mind for the most part.  He just wants to know we'll be there with him, and he's fine.  He's mentioned he's going to miss his siblings a bit, "but, Mom...when they give me the IV, do you think I can have a DS again?"   "I'm so glad I can have surgery tomorrow so this  can be over with, do you think in five days I can call Jackson Schulz and have him over?"  Oh Tyson.  I love you.

He makes me smile.  And he teaches me to relax and let go.  And I'm really trying.  But boy howdy is fear doing it's best to move in and set up shop.  I'm working on it.  And this week was better than last week. and by next week it will all be over.  So really, get over it, Karina.

Sheesh.  There are times that having a vivid imagination and being a titch dramatic come back to bite ya in the butt.

I can't control how I'm feeling.  I can't control that his body creates improper red blood cell membranes. (But boy, would I like to if I could.)  But I can control my response.  I can choose joy.  I can choose thankfulness.  I can do my best to "fly casual", even when it terrifies me.

My friend Karis likes to quote the great American philosopher John Wayne in circumstances like this:  "Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway" I can do that.  Because fear is a dirty stinking liar, and I don't have to listen.

It's been good for me to realize how strongly my heart beats outside my body in each one of my kids.  I often wish I tended towards being more of a softy and less of a drill sergeant.  It's good to know there is a mushy Mama buried somewhere deep inside me. 

The other good thing is I have relied heavily on distraction techniques for myself over the past couple of weeks.  This means i distributed 7 1/2 yards on shiny new bark mulch in all the flower beds around our place.  They look smashing now.

We also squeezed in two weeks of swimming lessons.  I realize it doesn't qualify me for Mother-of-the-Year or anything, but it was good to get that checked off, and the kids all loved them.  Even Keaton.

For all of it's faults, I will forever be thankful for our medical system.  Not once, have I worried about the cost of any of the scans, appointments or hospital stays that we have needed.  The doctors and nurses we have worked with have been exceptional.  We couldn't be in better hands.

I have been overwhelmed by the many people who have offered to take in our other kids for the couple of days this is going to take.  And the crazy thing is, that I know those who have come forward are really just a sampling of the host of friends who would gladly lend a hand if need be.

I'm also so thankful for my friends and family who assured me that wishing this whole thing didn't have to happen, and having terribly dramatic visions of all that could go wrong isn't a sign of a lack of faith, just that I have a pulse.  Your phone calls, hugs, and encouragement have meant the world to me.

And God.  God has been so good, and so patient with me as I have taken these few weeks flapping around wondering if he cared that I was being so silly.  And he is just showing me over and over again that he is there.  He is with us.  And He loves me. And he loves Tyson more than I ever could.  This perfect love drives out any fear that might be lurking in the recesses of my heart.

I gotta go shine my spurs.  I have a trail to conquer tomorrow.